Look, I’m sitting here in my kitchen in suburban Ohio—February, gray as hell outside, space heater humming because the landlord still hasn’t fixed the drafty windows—and I’m telling you straight up: this retirement money planner is the only retirement money planner that’s kept me from completely losing it over money.
I’ve tried the fancy ones. You know, the color-coded Excel templates people share on Reddit, the “4% rule” spreadsheets that make you feel smart until you realize inflation exists, the robo-advisor apps that send you soothing emails while quietly charging you 0.25% to lose less money than you would on your own. I’ve rage-quit all of them. This one? It’s ugly, it’s mine, and weirdly it works because I actually open it.
Why Most Retirement Planning Advice Feels Like a Scam to Me
I turned 40 last year and had the classic mid-life financial freakout. My 401(k) looked okay on paper but half of it was in target-date funds that sounded responsible until I actually read the expense ratios. My wife and I were still paying off the stupid kitchen remodel we did in 2021 when interest rates were low and optimism was high (lol). We have two kids, a mortgage in a neighborhood where property taxes keep climbing, and a dog who eats $80 bags of kibble like it’s his birthright.
Everyone online was like “max your Roth IRA!!!” and I’m over here like… with what money, exactly? After daycare, groceries that cost more than my first apartment rent, and the occasional DoorDash binge because we’re both too tired to cook. So I stopped listening to the influencers and started writing down what I was actually doing.
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How My Retirement Money Planner Actually Looks (It’s Embarrassing)
It’s a Google Sheet with five tabs and approximately 47 conditional formatting disasters.
- Tab 1: “Current Mess” — every account balance, debt, emergency fund (which is currently $3,800 because we had to replace the water heater last month).
- Tab 2: “Withdrawal Scenarios” — playing with 4% rule vs. 3.5% vs. “whatever survives sequence of returns risk.” I also have a tab for Roth conversion ladders because I’m paranoid about future tax brackets.
- Tab 3: “Reminders That I’m Human” — notes like “do NOT check Vanguard app after 9 pm” and “beer does not count as self-care.”
That’s it. No 87-page financial plan binder. Just me, caffeine, and existential dread.
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The Three Rules I Actually Follow (After Breaking All the Others)
- Pay myself first, but make it stupid-easy I have $600 auto-drafted into a boring index fund every payday before I even see it. If I have to transfer it manually I’ll spend it on new running shoes I don’t need.
- The 50/30/20 thing is cute but I use 60/20/20 instead 60% must-pay (housing, food, utilities, debt, insurance), 20% future-me (retirement + 529s), 20% everything else including therapy, vacations, and regrettable Amazon purchases. It’s not perfect but it feels doable.
- Social Security timing is my biggest lever and I’m treating it like a game I’m probably waiting till 70 if I can. Yeah, I know life expectancy stats. But my dad is 78 and still hikes, so I’m betting on the long game. Check your own estimate here if you haven’t: https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/calculators/.
The Mistakes That Still Haunt Me
- Cashed out a 401(k) at 26 when I switched jobs. Paid like 40% in taxes + penalty. Still mad.
- Bought individual stocks because “tech is the future.” Lost ~$8k on one name I won’t mention. Lesson: I’m not that guy.
- Thought “we’ll figure out college later.” Now we have two 529s that are growing but nowhere near enough. Panic-setting monthly contributions now.
Was the 401(k) a Mistake? : r/Bogleheads
(That 401(k) cash-out feeling—watching a big chunk vanish to taxes + 10% penalty at 26 hits different.)
How to Tell if You Are Doing Your 401(k) Rollover Wrong
Where We’re At Right Now (February 2026)
Net worth is… fine. Not “financial independence retire early” fine, but not drowning either. If I got laid off tomorrow we’d survive maybe 9–10 months without touching retirement accounts. That number used to be 3. Progress, I guess.
The retirement money planner isn’t magic. It’s just brutally honest. Every time I open it I remember I’m not behind some imaginary finish line—I’m just trying to not run out of money while I’m still young enough to enjoy it.
If any of this sounds familiar, steal the structure. Make it uglier if you want. Just start writing the numbers down instead of doom-scrolling retirement horror stories.
